A Mage's Regret
by Nelle147
Summary: He was alive, he was saved. That's what's important. Everything else – well, comes in second. Even me.


**A/N: Post-UBW Route**

* * *

It has been long ago. A lot of time has passed and everything has been peaceful since. No violence (except for mundane ones), no wars, no tragedies inside of Fuyuki City involving mages and servants and one undeniably corrupted supposedly holy relic.

A golden sunrise greeted the coming of day and the chilly morning air has been diluted into a warm breeze of a spring day.

Then, suddenly, without warning, everything went downhill as that afternoon turned to dusk, golden orange hues spread out the horizon as the sun started to sink into its slumber and the night awakened leaving the stars and the moon to light up the sky.

And everything went blood red and went on for weeks on end.

Just as it had 7 years ago. And everything was then becoming all too familiar a scene in front of me.

Seven years. Seven years had gone by but everything was still so familiar as if all of it happened yesterday.

Now I wish I hadn't forced us to go back to this wonderful yet disturbingly sadistic and destructive city. If only I hadn't pressed him, egged him on, teased him until he said yes, maybe all this could've been avoided. Well, maybe not entirely, I think it would've still happened in any way, but maybe, just maybe, the two of us would no longer get involved in the front lines of the battle as the war waged on. Maybe, me and him would've been out of danger and safely watching from a distance, not directly getting tangled in the mess of the battles. However, knowing him, this didn't work out the way I had hoped. Though we weren't participants, still we were involved since we were survivors and the grail had unfinished business with us. But still, was it too bad to hope? Was it too selfish to wish, for a mage like me, for that event to not repeat itself all over again holding us in its wretched grasp? I know this isn't like me at all, backing down from a challenge and whatnot, but for him and his safety, I can be different. I can try going out of my Tohsaka manner just to save him as he did me. Like I did seven years ago during the fifth holy grail war.

I went to extreme measures to avoid killing him in any way possible even if my stupid servant tried to do it in his own bidding and conscience (if I can label him as having had one). I tried my best, used all the logic I had in this brain of mine to try and get him out of the killing list among all the other masters. He was the weakest but at the same time, he was also the bravest. He would not think twice in saving someone else's life. He would gladly forget his own existence and sacrifice his. He saved me a hundred, no, a thousand couple of times more than I can imagine. Now, I'm just returning the favor.

And so, I did.

* * *

He was alive, he was saved. That's what's important. Everything else – well, comes in second. Even me.

 _I'm sorry, Shirou. Please forgive me._

I tried to blink and drive away the impending fatigue and inevitable drowsiness I was beginning to feel. I tried my hardest to keep myself awake, to at least let him get to me before everything starts to spin out of control until I can no longer see anything, hear anything, or even grasp anything. I tried my very best to ward off the huge weight on my eyelids trying to force them shut, the fog that's trying to wash over my vision and prevent me from seeing his face, his eyes. Oh his eyes!

 _I'm sorry…_

This was all I can say after I pry my eyes open again with all the strength I can muster and a soft smile graces my lips albeit too sadly.

"Tohsaka!"

He screamed. Then repeats calling my name over and over again while continuing to close the distance between us, running at full speed. I forced my body to move, to get up, to get closer to him but it doesn't respond to my command. Why? Why?! Why doesn't my body listen to my mind any longer? Why can't I move any muscle in my body except that of my face? Still, I tried.

I reached my hand out to him and as if a miracle, it moved. Slightly. Weakly. But it moved. I tried again, knowing the possibility, its probability and it moved. Finally, my body is listening to my mind again!

 _Just please. Just for this one time. Let me reach out to him. Let me feel him again. Even if…_

I couldn't continue. My thoughts stopped dead in its tracks. I can't think of anything else to continue, too afraid of what might happen after, even though I've already accepted what it might lead me to. I'm afraid. Afraid. Yes, Rin Tohsaka is afraid. But not for me. For him. I'm afraid of what he might do to himself once everything is done and over with. I can't imagine nor can I fathom what he'll do or what he'll become once everything is over.

 _Please don't be something you're not and don't break yourself, torment yourself, after all this. It's all on me. All on me, you hear me, you idiot? Nothing's on you, alright? Are you even listening?!_

I begrudgingly smiled as I lie there knowing what will become of me. And then something falls down my cheeks. What are they? Why are they… wet? And then I realize they were tears. Tears. And so, I, Rin Tohsaka, is crying here while lying on the cold hard ground.

And I look unto him getting closer and closer, getting nearer me and I felt a surge of happiness creep from my heart to the rest of my body. Then I felt my heart skip a beat and I knew I was getting closer to the edge of light. Darkness started to dim out my field of vision and I can now only see so much. Then, everything that happened flashes back in my head, even if I didn't will them to surface out from the depths of my memory. I tried to push them away and think about his smile, his laugh, his warmth. I tried to drive away the cold and unyielding grasp of darkness as it attempts to suck me into its eternal void, thinking hard on the thoughts of happy times with him, his innate but endearing stupidity, naivete, and annoying selflessness, and over-all his warmth, my Shirou's warmth. But I couldn't.

 **...**

"Shirou!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as my eyes catch the undoubtedly cursed spear of Lancer, Gae Buidhe, meant to inflict wounds that will not heal. I ran like the wind, as fast as my feet would carry me, as fast as the boost I was getting from my magic crest, my family's embedded inheritance. Upon my pride as a Tohsaka, and the price it cost me to save and preserve his life during the fifth holy grail war, I can't have him die on me again. I just can't.

I prayed. I prayed to any god, if there was any, that he be saved. I didn't care about mine. I lost my reverence for it in wishing his being alive. Then I realized his ideals were slowly becoming my own. What can I expect, anyway? After being stuck with him for years (not that I mind at all), how can I not get sucked into his void? Guess I ate all the words I told him long ago.

I raced for him even harder now. And he turned to see me just in time as I pushed him away, away from danger, away from the gleaming blade that's slowly inching its way towards me with undeniable seething aura of death.

And the metal touched my skin. Coldness washed over me. Then came the pain. I didn't know if I screamed but I heard his.

"NOOOOO!"

His voice echoed throughout the night sky, as if it was a booming voice from the heavens. I heard his footsteps as I careened several feet from him as the wielder of the cursed spear kicked me with all his force after plunging the blade unto my flesh, pulling it out in the process, sending me flying backwards and away from Shirou's saving grace, if I may call it.

Then I saw his face flush of anger and uttered those words that have never ceased to wonder me to the depths of my soul. Those words that never ceased to amaze me everytime he uses them at full extent: his reality marble.

 ** _I am the bone of my sword._**

 ** _Steel is my body, and fire is my blood._**

 ** _I have created over a thousand blades._**

 ** _Unknown to Death._**

 ** _Nor known to Life._**

 ** _Have withstood pain to create many weapons._**

 ** _Yet, those hands will never hold anything._**

 ** _So as I pray, Unlimited Blade Works._**

And there it was, and I was there. I saw him plunge all those swords to the body of the servant and master that did this to me. I saw those warm eyes turn cold and bloody and I saw a frightening version of myself. Since when had we changed so drastically? Since when had we changed ideals? The irony.

His eyes were the last thing I saw before everything went black and I was sucked into the void and all I could hear was the clang of blades as they ran down from the heavens upon his conjuring.

 **...**

I passed out for a moment. I realized that a moment later as I opened my eyes again, heavy with wear and I see him looking at me devastated. I saw his broken state as I looked into those golden orbs, seemingly reflecting the golden rays of the sun. I tried to smile at him, to relieve him of the pain he felt that I couldn't even begin to describe, to show him, give him, my deepest apologies, but all I could manage to muster in the end was a grimace. Then I saw him break even more. His eyes were having cracks like those of a mirror getting hit by a massive force and slowly, some of the sparkle in his honey-dipped sun-kissed eyes were slowly breaking down into shards, falling ever so slowly into the abyss of doom.

"I-I…" I stuttered weakly. He shook his head and tears fell from his eyes.

I bit my lip. I hated myself. How can I make him cry like this? How can I make him go through all this suffering? And there I was before, promising to never let what happened to me happen to anyone else, especially those dear to me. Then, now happened and I ended up breaking that most sacred of promises I kept to myself.

 _I really do mess up the most important things in life. Now, here I am messing up yours, Shirou Emiya. Because you have been the most important thing in my life._

"Don't say anything more, Tohsaka. You're going to be alright," he said to me. And I believed him. He was here. He was my Shirou. And I believed him. "You're going to be alright. You're going to be alright."

I smiled guiltily and sadly as I looked unto him and stared at his eyes. "I-I…" I started to say again. He shook his head, now his shoulders were beginning to shake. I didn't let my resolve waver. I still have my Tohsaka pride with me after everything that happened.

"I-I'm… s-so-sorry," I breathed the words out heavily. And he started to sob, shaking badly, holding me closely to his body.

It hurt but it was great at the same time. I no longer had the strength to complain that Shirou was holding me too tightly, but I also didn't mind. It made me feel safe and it was great to have him again in my arms. I moved my arms for one last effort and miraculously, they didn't fail me. I patted him in the back ever so weakly but with all my might as I felt my strength slowly starting to slip away. Then he stopped, cradled me in his arms, looking me in the eye. His gentleness has come back, I noticed by the gleam of his eyes, but the sadness was still there. And I know it will never go away. And it was all my fault.

"Tohsaka," he said in a strained voice. "You're going to be alright."

He seemed automatic and I knew something was off. He was activating his defense mechanism, always thinking so positively even in times of hopelessness. Even if it somehow turns into a futile reach for hope.

 _Seriously Shirou, how dumb can you get?_

I smiled weakly at his words but knew he was trying to hold himself back from complete breakdown. And I felt so sorry.

"Don't…" *gasp* "blame.. y-yourself," I paused trying to take in my breath, catch them and compose myself. "D-don't. P-promi-ise m-me. Please…"

I looked him sternly in the eye and didn't budge. He stared back at me with a broken look but had no other choice than to agree. As always the case when it comes to things like these (but less extreme than this one). I know he wouldn't keep on the promise but I trust he'll be able to accept all this in time. I knew he will be great in the future and I have no tinge of doubt about that fact. But what worries me is that he may be too reckless and end up as archer. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen.

"Also…" I mustered even through shallow breaths.

"Rin…" he was pleading now. And his tone broke me. But I can't let that happen again.

"P-promise me you'll never be like a-archer."

Saying his name became a bit too difficult but not hard to bear.

"Rin… Just please stop talking."

Tears were streaming down his face. I wanted to wipe them away and fix all this but I can't. My body was limp and I was slowly becoming powerless, useless.

 _Promise me!_ I commanded him with a hard look. It took a while and I was gasping for air like a fish out of water. Then after a few seconds of silence, he nodded, his head hanging low and I can see him biting his lip, so hard it bled.

I prayed for a miracle. Not so big, not so costly it couldn't be granted. I just prayed for me to be able to touch him. I focused and flowed all my remaining mana to my arm, to my hand, to be able to lift it up to his face and stroke his cheek and wipe away those tears. I caught him by surprise then he held my hand, placing his over mine but never taking them off his face. Slowly, he inched his face closer to mine until our lips were only inches away from each other. I smiled. For the last time.

And with a last silent goodbye, a last look in his eyes, a farewell kiss and a final breath, I let go. As he hugged me in despair, trying with his best efforts to hold me close to his warm body, trying to drive away the coldness trying to seep from every layer of my skin, he held me tightly in his arms, seemingly with a last attempt to try and keep me grounded, to try and keep me alive. But he couldn't. And I failed him.

I promised I would always be there. I swore that I would never ever leave his side no matter what, that I'd continue looking after him as he did me, that I'd take care of him and make sure he doesn't end up like the jerk archer was. But I failed him. There I was, a living (or shall I say, dying?) testament of the broken oath I uttered and swore to keep forever.

It was my last regret and my final memory.


End file.
